Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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