two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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