your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
