I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
