worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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