nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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