as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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