if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
