I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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