i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
