I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
