I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
