i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
