pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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