remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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