they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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