Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
