I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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