so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
