so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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