In America we eat man semen.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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