My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
