Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I touched a dick in church today
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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