my vag is so smooth its legendary
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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