There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
