why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Four minutes until I can fart!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
