I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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