Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
