I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
