I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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