you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
