Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just pee around me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
