Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She's the barista slut.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
