i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
