I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
