awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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