I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
