I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
