new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
