thus making me awesome and them whores
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
