i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
