Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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