apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
