Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
