Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm at about main and main street
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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