Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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