What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
