We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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