i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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