Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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