I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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